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| Source: rec.art.movies.reviews newsgroup | | Rating: 0
| Arnold Schwarzenegger's new action vehicle End of Days seemed like it went on for days. The mindless thriller - Arnie's first in two years - takes place during the final four days of the upcoming millennium and feels like it was shot in real-time. The premise is that Satan needs to impregnate a `chosen' female before the clock strikes 12 in order to be released from his prison. They didn't specifically say it, but I think the prison may be Joliet.
The opening credits utilize every bad religious cliché they could dig up – fire, snakes, spooky singing and Arabic text. The film kicks off in 1979 Vatican City, Rome, where an astrological event known as `The Eye of God' is seen by an underling of the Pope. The presence of the `Eye' means that somewhere in the world, a girl is to be born that will, in twenty years' time, be impregnated by Satan. The Pontiff dispatches men to find the girl (yeah, right) and keep her from evil for a couple of decades. Sounds reasonable, right? Six hours later, the `chosen' infant girl is born in New York City, the evilest place in the world in 1979.
Flash to present-day (December 28, 1999, to be exact) where Satan returns to Earth, taking over the body of a Wall Street banker (Gabriel Byrne, who just played a priest in Stigmata) in the men's room of a posh NYC eatery. Despite his new form (and his invincibility), Satan still feels the need to hire protection services to venture around the Big Apple. Enter Jericho Cane (Schwarzenegger, Batman & Robin) a drunk ex-cop (isn't Bruce Willis supposed to get these roles?) with a funny sidekick called Chicago (Kevin Pollak, She's All That). They both have great names, but each pales in comparison to Satan.
The `chosen' girl (Robin Tunney, Niagara, Niagara), now twenty, doesn't show up until thirty minutes into the film. Her name is Christine York (get it – Christ-ine?). Both of her parents are dead and she's been having strange visions for most of her life and, as a result, pops pills and sees a shrink (Udo Kier, Blade). As a side note, if your therapist looks like Udo Kier – run for your life. One of the visions involves a creepy cross-eyed subway freak that tells her, `He's coming, and he's going to f--- you!' before shattering like a frozen Robert Patrick in T2. Why this person has not yet been cast in a Harmony Korine film is beyond me.
One of the catches in Satan's plan is that he has to conceive between 11:00 PM and 12:00 AM on New Year's Eve. What are the odds that she is even ovulating at that time? Arnie even gets off a great line, rhetorically asking if Satan's plot is designed around Eastern Standard Time. The writers laugh it off with some quick blurb about Gregorian calendars being created for this very reason. Plus, you've gotta figure that Satan really needs to start working on the girl at around 11:40 at the latest. He seems like the kind of guy who likes to sweet-talk the ladies. I figure ten minutes of foreplay, five for the actual `act,' and then five minutes of cuddle-time.
End of Days does have a few cool visuals (from special effects wiz Stan Winston) and one legitimately scary scene, but that was lifted from Se7en (and Kevin Spacey was a much scarier villain than the Devil, anyway). Speaking of Spacey, they also lifted his `Satan's greatest trick was convincing the world he didn't exist' line from The Usual Suspects. Satan's giant head of fire (an effect ruined by the trailer) is cool, but we've already seen it in The Mummy (and it wasn't that great to begin with). Also disappointing was Satan's non-human form which, when revealed at the end, seemed a lot like Buffy's principal in the season finale last season. The pre-sold `modern rock' soundtrack was all but missing from the film.
Directed by Peter Hyams (The Relic) and written by Andrew W. Marlowe (Air Force One), Days features an incredibly hammy performance by Schwarzenegger, who, in one scene, even gets to cry when he thinks about Jericho's dead wife and kid. Tunney, who was so good in Niagara, Niagara, seems both badly lost and miscast. Going from indie pics like Niagara and Julian Po to a Schwarzenegger film doesn't seem like a logical jump at all. Plus, she has one of the most unnecessary nude scenes in recent memory – goodbye, credibility! Byrne chews the scenery as the Horned One, who, we learn, is able to piss gasoline. Rod Steiger (Crazy in Alabama) plays a puffy priest that would rather rely on faith to save Christine, while some of his churchie cohorts would just as soon kill her to put an end to the whole saga.
But, seriously, how much faith can you put into a film that doesn't reveal the name of its main character until ninety minutes in? (Christine says his name at this point, which is the first time we hear it.) And speaking of faith, where the Christ is the good guy in all of this? Yeah, I'm talking about the big `G.' Can't we rely on him to give us a hand when Satan plans on turning our sphere into Hell on Earth? He was a no-show. A non-factor. You can kiss your tithe goodbye, Ms. Morrissette.
By : Jon Popick
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| | Source: rec.art.movies.reviews newsgroup | | Rating: 1
| Arnold Schwarzenegger has been an icon for action enthusiasts, since the late 80's, but lately his films have been very sloppy and the one-liners are getting worse. It's hard seeing Arnold as Mr. Freeze in Batman And Robin, especially when he says tons of ice jokes, but hey he got 15 million, what's it matter to him? Once again Arnold has signed to do another expensive blockbuster, that can't compare with the likes of The Terminator series, True Lies and even Eraser. In this so called dark thriller, the devil (Gabriel Byrne) has come upon earth, to impregnate a woman (Robin Tunney) which happens every 1000 years, and basically destroy the world, but apparently God has chosen one man, and that one man is Jericho Cane (Arnold himself). With the help of a trusty sidekick (Kevin Pollack), they will stop at nothing to let the devil take over the world! Parts of this are actually so absurd, that they would fit right in with Dogma. Yes, the film is that weak, but it's better than the other blockbuster right now (Sleepy Hollow), but it makes The World Is Not Enough look like a 4 star film. Anyway, this definitely doesn't seem like an Arnold movie. It just wasn't the type of film you can see him doing. Sure he gave us a few chuckles with his well known one-liners, but he seemed confused as to where his character and the film was going. It's understandable, especially when the ending had to be changed according to some sources. Aside form that, he still walked through it, much like he has in the past few films. I'm sorry to say this Arnold but maybe these are the end of your action days. Speaking of action, where was it in this film? There was hardly any explosions or fights. The devil made a few places explode, but Arnold wasn't kicking some devil butt. The ending was changed to make it more spiritual, which undoubtedly ruined the film. I was at least hoping for a cool ending if nothing else occurred, but once again I was let down. I also don't know why the film took so long and cost so much. There was really no super affects at all, unless you consider an invisible devil, who was in it for 5 minutes tops, worth the overpriced budget. The budget should have gone into a better script, where at least audiences could be somewhat entertained instead of facing boredom. It's pitiful to see how scripts like these get bought and made into a movie. Do they even read these things anymore? It sure doesn't seem like it. Thankfully Gabriel's performance gave some light to this poor film. When he walks down the street searching for Robin Tunney, you can't help but feel that he looked like a devil. The guy is creepy looking anyway! When it's all over, you're just glad it's the end of the movie. Don't bother to see this, if you're expecting a solid action flick, because it's neither solid nor does it have action. It's just another movie that we are suckered in to seeing, due to a strategic marketing campaign. Save your money and see the World Is Not Enough for an entertaining experience.
By : Nick Lyons
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